Wow I don't know where to start. Lately been feeling really unstable.

So I guess it all start a few months back when Drew (Randy's friend) talked trash and made me feel really mad, that morphed into motivation which lead to working out like a horse to get bigger. That was cool. Up until I injured myself. I hope to get back on track soon. This motivation also had a negative affect other than the injury. Going hard on everyone. My fuse has been so short lately. and I am sad, cause i wanna be a nice person but my fuse is so damn short i can't help it. As soon as Randy mentioned anything pertaining to his friend i get super aggressive. He mentioned it after grappling Charles and I just took Charles out to grapple Randy. And I took out Randy like nothing. 2-5 second matches catching him in moves that could kill him if i didn't let go. Even when he got mad at me and pushed me over. I still managed to grab his arm and practically break it. Felt the damn tendons and bones crack. I still feel bad, but I can't help it. Taking this time off is making me feel hardcore withdrawals. All i wanna do is get back in the gym and do work.

Besides that. My mom is going crazy. Like seriously crazy. The level of paranoia in her mind is beyond control. She thinks people from across the street are going after her organizing people from all places like FEDEX. Trying to turn Karin against me. Going "See how he yell at me" and then gives me this glare that makes me just wanna punch her in the face. She manipulates people she needs and It is really Fucked up to go and try and pull that shit. She says that she didn't want me and my brother involved cause we wouldn't understand. FUCK THAT she is retarded. You can't go and put that ignorant fucking bumper sticker and expect us not to do anything about it. And on top of that. She is ADVERTISING HATE. I can't STAND RACIST PEOPLE.
 

Pressure from everyone so I can start working is not being easy on me either and I think I might fail my pysch class if I don't step it up...

I don't know where to start.

I am just so fucking angry like all the time.

Why?

Shit with Anthony,

shit with mean people in class and the gym.

Shit with people on fucking ImInLikeWithYou.com

Why is everyone such a fucking asshole? and yes I overreacted to what specifically happened today.

Only because of all of this i've been going through and I just need some fucking space because I don't wanna bring anyone into this. I am just shutting myself out from everyone.

I could not be more sorry for what I am putting Karin through. I've been thinking to myself how i am going to apologize and make up for this. Iono but I just need time... and no drama... no games no nothing just work out... and tv...

Even though she probably doesn't wanna hear it after all of this. But I still love Karin I FUCKING LOOOVE KARIN and don't you fucking forget it live journal.

r

Hello journal. It has been awhile. hmm... Let's see. I've visiting Karin I think 3 weeks in a row now? Haha We've kinda been arguing alot, but they usually don't last too long, and they are usually over something stupid that i get mad about. I think she will get tired soon and stop caring about me.

I feel that she might leave me soon. =( I can't do what i used to. No flowers or anything because I don't have the money to finance those nice things, and she definitely deserves it all. I drive 60 miles and my body becomes sore and thus I become cranky and irritable. I sadly take it out on her and i am super sorry. Her bed is getting better though since we put that sleeping bag as a pad. but yeah... We can't have regular sex either... I liked cuddling naked with her and stuff haha. We can't be comfortable doing it. We always gotta look out.

Dorm life sucks, but at least the food is good haha. I still love karin, and lately it seems like a higher force is teasing me testing me tempting me, but i will not budge. So many girls have been popping in and trying their luck it seems. I will admit it is kind of tough, other girls are pretty and as a first impression it's nice and if i was single than it would be a different case. But I am with Karin and they don't compare.

She doesn't smoke
doesnt drink
She is absolutely beautiful(although I wish she would be more confident with herself. She is still shy around me and about the way she looks.)
likes to dance and sing on occasion
always puts up with my bi-polarness.
Totally laid back (although it can lead to lazy and undecisiveness)
Always stays by me until I feel better when I am down emotionally.
Actually contributes to the relationship and I don't always find myeslf putting more into the relationship than her. She's always happy to give a helping hand. She is awesome. Those other girls trying have no chance, so they should just stop.

I guess I just need to adjust to this transition. I still wish she lived in the valley. I could see her more often with less effort haha.

I wish I had more money to get her stuff.

My own mental instability has caused me to hurt Karin, the love of my life.

My mind has felt anxious randomly. It feels the need to act NOW and to drag those around me, with me.

I must apologize, for I have done it to many a friend.
I guess the pressure from my brother was contagious and it made me act this way towards others, when I should just back the fuck off and let people do what they will and be tolerant. I should not want to control my babies life. I have only the best intentions but I can only think of CONTROLLING suggestions that are extreme and ask too much. I have now caused her to think of suicide, and my heart sinks just thinking about it. I wish I could hug her and comfort her like I once did. I feel horrible.

I wish I was rich and could take care of everything. God I hope Karin stays with me. Or no, that is selfish, I hope she finds someone far more superior to me. alright thats all i can type, I feel that my head is going to explode. O_0 information overload topped off with mental and emotional disruption is not a good combination of brain activity.

even tried singing to her to cheer her up after my fucked up convo, god i am a fucking idiot.. lol.

I've been at a loss of myself.
I don't feel the same. I made a vid for karin.
But i fluctuate between liking it and not giving a shit. Lately i've been so fucking bi-polar
the smallest things are botherhing me.
I feel constatnly irritated by everything i touch including my clothes or even if i'm naked. My body is sore.
I sweat randomly.
my heart starts randomly racing and randomly just wants to give up on life.
I don't know what's going on and its affecting the people around me.
I'm afraid karin won't beable to handle this stage of me and leave me.
I keep making small mistakes that make me wanna kill myself. I was hitting myself but i stopped cause it makes karin sad. All i do is bother her make her sad or mad now a days.
I feel she is going to tire of me quick and leave me. I feel so sad thinking about it. What the fuck is going on in my head. I think the whole not seeing karin in person as much is killing me. I get so manic-depressive. Randomly happy and randomly bleh. why does karin put up with me?

I want these feelings to stop. please...

I feel her fading from meeting so many guys. FUCK me. I know she likes some guy but is too shy to talk to them. *sigh* I don't even know what to say anymore. I love karin so much, but I can't fucking make anything right lately FUCK. KILL ME

Ever since my birthday, life has been an emotional roller coaster. Happy, Angry, sad, jealous, depressed, anxious, worried, loved, curious, optimistic, pessimistic, down, up, exhausted, energetic and a bunch more. From smiles to frowns to laughing and crying and laughing while crying. Singing and crying. Crying from being touched and very happy, to just being sad about the future.

I guess everyone needs a good cry from here to there. Even my baby let out a pretty sad cry, but I was there to make her feel better on the double.

What an amazing fucking summer/birthday. By the far the best in my life, hands down, no fucking question about it. Never been so stable/happy in my life haha. I can't thank karin and my friends/family enough. Especially karin. Never thought I would end up with someone so awesome.

I'm seriously emotionally unstable though, I've been lisening to My best friend and hold me from weezer, and everytime the chorus hits, I try really hard not to cry, and sing along, but if i sing, there's no use. Tears just start dripping and I start smiling thinking about how cool Karin is. ok, i guess this is getting rediculous, i'mma go sit in a corner or something. bye

Hellooooooooo Journal!!! :D

Today was Tom tom's 20th birthday :D. I woke up early today and walked to eddie's pastries to buy him some pastries~ :D. And then when I got to his house I told him that he can pick me up and when he finally opened the door.. he was like wtf.. Lol..
We ate some food and played some guitar hero. Oh yeah and we had some sex :D. Then later Randy came and played some more guitar hero and then we went to the mall to look for anything Tom wanted.(Randy gave hima 50dollar gift card for anywhere). We didn't find anything there so we went to fry's, but we didn't find anything there either haha. We went back to Tom's place and just chilled until Randy left. Tom toms cried a lot cause he got sad of me leaving D: and I just held him saying that it was okay. Awww I feel bad when Tom cries .. but in a way its really I don't know... cute? in a wierd way. He got better and then I gave him his birthday card which he seemed to like and he got teary reading it.. Awwwws >.<
We decided to go to the beach and so yeah we drove to Santa Monica Pier. It was pretty cold without a jacket, but it didn't matter.. I had Tom to hold and make me warm. We first watched the sunset on the beach a while. It was so nice and prettyyyy and I really wished I had my digi cam fixed. After thats we walked around the arcade and played some air hockey which I won!! yayyy. Then we went on the ferris wheel~ it was the first time for the both of us. It lasted a lot longer than I thought and the view/scenery was very breathtaking and I'm really glad I got to share that moment with Tom. :D
After that walked to 3rd street where we went to a lot of stores, but didn't really end up buying anything haha, but it was still fun. And we watched these dancers perform inthe middle of the street and there was his little girl who was singing and playing keyboard... which was really cool to me. So yeah we walk back to our parking spot and we head off.
We eat dinner at this sushi place called Crazy Tokyo Sushi which was alrightts and then we went to Toms place and we just cuddled for a while. He lent me his luggage bag and other stuff yay~ lol. even roger =0
We cuddled some mores and at 11:11 we went outside to look at the moon and make a wish and supposedly there was a shooting star lol. We went back inside and we shared a nice long hug and kisses. We went into his car and drove home and on the way he started crying again =[... my baby's so sensitiveeeeeeeee. When we were on my driveway he got all teary again and I just sat there with him for a bit before I left. He started to drive off but then he came back and gave me another hug haha and honked a buncha times leaving my driveway.
:3

Woo, what a long day. Started off with Karin saying she would be late cause I called her late. Haha she acted like she was sleepy and groggy from just waking up, but in reality she was already awake. Had gone to pastries with edde and was at my door by the time I had been ready to get her. Right at the door when i opened it, it scared the shit out of me haha. It was nice though to see her right there.

Anyways, we watched a bit of tv. Played Guitar hero til Randy came. We went to the mall and tried to spend the money but it didn't work out too well, I didn't find much. Randy had to go so he gave me 30$ for dinner and bolted soon after we got back from the mall.

I got all teary for the first time of the day because I realized Karin was leaving by tomorrow. I couldn't help myself, I was just too sad. I couldn't explain it. And I was desperate to do something with karin, so we went to santa monica pier & third street. It was fun. On the way back home. The drive was especially nice, I liked seeing the city from the hills.

And hmm we did eat dinner at Crazy tokyo sushi, got home packed a bag for her to take, Cried some more like a little bitch.
said the long goodbye and headed home, I actually cried pretty hard on the way back, My vision was blurred by tears, so it was hard to see the road. When you were young played on the radio haha I tried singing along to distract myself but to my dismay the tears and crying would not stop, but i guess by the time i got home I had calmed it down.


Today was very fun though, surprise by my baby with cakes! And last and CERTAINLY the best, was right after i was done crying, she gave me a card, an amazing birthday card that brought me back to tears as I read it. The Pacific Wheel, 3rd street, dinner, have an honorable mention though.

Thank you Karin for a spectacular summer and an amazing birthday. You are the best. Hands down, no comparison.

So yeah, today started off weird, cause karin said she wanted to meet at 12. And I was like okie pokie, then at 11:45 she calls asking to be picked up at the mall, which really threw me off haha. I found out she was looking for my birthday gift. She's so sweet. I can't believe she walked all the way to the mall, she went through so much trouble.

We then went to target and found her a lamp haha. After that went to fry's real quick where she whooped me at that racing game and bought her memory card. Helped her deposit moula.

I had a headache and acted like a dick when I dropped her off for her to pack up the stuff at her house. it was hot, so I wanted to rush home to get a tylenol and I acted like an asshole, I'm sooo sorry, I'm still sorry but she said she forgave me, so that's good. After my gayness, we cheered up and got icecream! yay! Nummy ice cream. She paid... and I owe her something. *secret*

After that, we played guitar hero for awhile. Our competitive side came out again and she got mad at me for letting her win, sorry about that too. So I stopped and she still won legitimately go figure.. I didn't need to let her win anyways. lol She's better than she thinks but gets nervous during solo play.

I got hungry, so I made us mac n cheese, my mom spilt us a sandwich and i also made chicken wings. We watched a few episode of school rumble, and then took a nice little nap. She had been so full and tired haha. I like laying next to Karin, It feels so right. makes me feel all warm inside haha. nyahaha I wish she could stay over longer. I kept petting her and kissing her. I think I might have come off as horny, but I just wanted to touch and feel her cause I knew she was gonna leave at anytime. The call came and that was it. snuck in a few kisses and dropped her off.

Thank you karin for the awesome day. haha very chill indeed. I feel very comfortable when i lay next to you. <33

so I woke up when karin called me, picked her up around 1046 and we waited for randy to call, I wasn't sure if the tennis class was at 11 or 12 so I just waited for randy. I figured he didn't wanna go or overslept which he did. so.. instead, we watched a bit of tv. and I acted like a little bitch when karin saw some of my piccies. and i ended up making her cry waaah I feel soooo bad for that, It was heartbreaking seeing her tears, I will try my best to never let that happen again. Anyways, we got over it eventually and we were laughing at something on the tv, oooh rob and big, rob put a dead rat on his cousins doorknob, what a way to resolve conflict ey? I have such a bothersome person. I dont know how karin puts up with me. anyways after that...we went shopping for sugar, but i ended up buying stuff for a picnic and stuff. We went to ralphs, and i completely forgot the sugar, and decided to get drinks at walmart and picked up the sugar there, in the car we heard a guitar hero son, which made me wanna play, so we did. then we went to the mall, where I bought her her birthday present and our one month anniversory present, yay. I think she likes them but I don't know. She will probably get sick of them soon and forget to where them in irvinw. We will seeeee hahaha. Then we headed home to pick up the food and went to da park. where we played frisbee and ate drank stuff. after that we watched prom night. Where she was all cute and scared. After that we needed to lighten the mood by watching school rumble, then ended the night with a make out session and oral. weeee.

today was cool too, i pickedup karin, she was finally off her bleeding period. It has been awhile since we did it, so i was all super sensitive, and came all early, waaah, I have no stamina when it comes to karins vajayjay. but I still make her orgasm a few times to make up for it buhahahaha. then, I cooked us breakfast, and we watched alot of school rumble, no guitar hero today, o well. then headed off to school to pick up my book but that went shitty haha, but Karin did mention how she liked being with me on campus, and I didn't realize how cool it was, til she mentioned it. I like it too. weee. then dropped her off, class was okay but long, then we got out early i let karin borrow gh3, went home, ate, worked out, cut my hair, showered, and now im on the phone with the most beautiful girl in the world IN THE WORLD< IN THE WORLD> she looks hot in plain clothes. haha

Okays so i'm not gonna write much but today was pretty fun, went to sam ash and played on the drums, karin is better at the real drums than I am, she hurt me alot today but even though it hurt and stuff after the pain stopped I didn't really care, but she felt all guilty for the rest of the day, I was trying to joke about it, but it would only make it worse and she would apologize more. we watched a movie with randy. thats pretty much it, I don't feel like getting into detail i guess haha. I still wubs karin. =) <33333

So today was cool just hung out with karin, the day before i let karin borrow my ps2 cause she could not go out, which i was bummbed about cause i got all ready and bam as i was waiting to pick her up, her mom grounded her. I didn't know to do, so i played GH for awhile, talked to randy and he decided to pick me up, but he wanted food, so i thought i would drop off a smoothie karins house, cause i was going to drop off one anyways. Then, i went to randy's to play pool, which i sucked at cause i was winning but i would lose on the 8 ball. wwaaaah then i got home and missed my gh. but i wasn't too bummed out, because i knew my girl was having fun with it, and she definitely deserved it, cause I was playing pool while she was grounded. I thought I would lighten her day with a smoothie and guitar hero.

But today, we hung out, had to walk cause the car was in the shop, we had some smex, more smex, some guitar hero, then went to frys where we played games, when we were rock banding, we had a smal audience. hahaha it was neat. and we left epic scores on the screen, she got 100% and i got 98%. Karin is a rock band GOD!!! she put on my smelly shirt today, it was funny, until i smelled it, and i had to take it off of her immediately, i hate my own BO. Anyways, i bought a new guitar and it strums great but i gotta get to used to the buttons cause they are hard to press down. We ate twice today, both times with thai chicken and some sort of rice, and i think thats pretty much it. no wait, there was alot of tickling, random laughing, oh yeah, karin laughs whenever I laugh, cause she laughs at me laughing. I think its cause i look like a retard, so she laughs at me, but i did manage to hide from her, twice today. which was pretty cool, i'm like a 200 pound ninja. Oh yeah, at the end of the day, i gave karin a massage, and a meditation session, i tihnk she liked it, but im not sure.

thats pretty much it.

Sorry it's been awhile. A few things done today, woke up early, got ready, picked up karin, went to westminster, where we ate at this awesome restaurant. But sadly i ordered the spicy pho, so I had to pay for it with my stomach later in the day T_T lol.. My farts were pretty bad today haha.

went to the asian garden mall, played DDR with Karin yay. Finally she played. then walked around, after that went to a dessert store picked up some stuff headed home, and i think we had sex off the bat, or i think it might have been after rock band, then soul eater, then sex, then school rumble, then sex, after a noticably awesome makeout session after her showing her the light illusion in my room lol... alot of sweating..

We didn't hang out on saturday but on friday, we went to castle park, where we played some games mostly ddr. I still kinda got it, but i played a bunch of songs i never played before, so i kinda sucked, but i still kinda beat jeff lol =P

On a side note, that puppy dream happened again and felt more real than ever. I ended up telling my mom and Karin, I cried when i told Karin.. I am so embarassed... I'm just a sensitive guy. *sigh*

Well after talking to my friend Chris and he kind opened my eyes to obvious things. I guess I'm not so self conscious about the relationship, and I'm beginning to enjoy it more now.

Now that I'm sure that Karin wants to be with me too. Haha yeah, this whole time I didn't think she wanted to be with me. but now I'm feeling a bit different. Now I guess we can both enjoy it, cause Karin won't have to worry about how I'm feeling all the time. Hopfully I can be normal for you. =)

Well today was a pretty normal day. Karin and I hung out again. Today was very uneventful though. We just napped, did alittle of the you know.. haha. Then we watched some trigun. After that ate lunch, decided not to go to michaels cause there was food at home. But we still got smoothies and dohnuts at jolly dohnuts. After that, Karin just passed out haha. I didn't mind. I like having her around, even if she just falls asleep. I just played guitar hero while she slept, I beat a few scores! woot.

At the end of the day, just made out for a bit hugged and I dropped her off.

She said she was getting bored of me, in a joking fashion, but I think there was some seriousness in there. So yeah... I'm not an exciting person. So I feel bad about that. I might be wrong, but I take things too seriously. I won't think too much into it. but I am still a bit sad about it.

On another note... It seems like theres something on her mind but she won't talk about it. I think she also might be getting bored, cause we don't talk about many things =/ Iono... I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out. Today felt off. It was good but it just didn't feel right, iono how to explain it. I'm just retarded. I think Karin wants more excitement, but iono how to bring that to the table.

I forgot i wanted to go to the park today too. weh...

The last thing I want is just a sexual relationship, even though I love that, I want there to be more. There's been more sex than anything else, and that needs to change or something, we need a hobby haha.
plus Mr penis is tired, even though he gets up for work, he's tired haha. He needs a vacation. work-a-holic hahahahahaha ;3

I wish I could read her mind. =/

Hi journal.


Haha well today was wonderful. Hanging out with Karin, we didn't even go anywhere. We just stayed at home. She came over and we kinda just went at it right off the bat. It was after I gave her a full body massage. I think she liked it.

Sex afterwards was good too. I'm not so worried about making her climax during penetration and just enjoy myself =P. Cause I do so afterwards, 3 times over for her. I think she's happy after that.

Afterwards, We watched the end of school days which was just a fucking trip... I could not believe the ending lol. I was in shock for awhile. I'm pretty sure I made lunch or something for myself we watched alittle tv. Then uhm... We napped for like 2 hours, I had a nightmare and woke up... so then Guitar hero, showered, ate dinner.*Candle lit* lmao...

Had some more sex. yum... Made her climax three times, I believe, even though she would giggle and laugh I was having a good time and she was laughing so, I didn't stop haha. =) I love you Karin!

Watched a bit of trigun, I think she liked the first episode, but like... the 2nd episode was alright, so I distracted her by whispering into her ear =) Took her home, and here I am

I feel closer to Karin now. =D I hope she feels the same way.

uhm.. Today I didn't get much sleep because my stomach kept waking me up, but i woke up at 11 to karin up, and when I saw her, my stomach felt better right away.we watched anime, and made out. Ate some eggs and beef, then headed to the mall, where i got a shirt, and she picked out a hat forrrrrr me. i like it. Then we visited my friend anthony for a bit, then headed back to my place where we had like 1 minute to have sex... but that didn't work out, even though it was fun. nyom nyom. Then we went to eat ramen on reseda, then proceded to the greenland market where randy bought 30$ worth of calpico. then dropped off karin.


Randy and I went swimming after that. The water was weird. and I have the sniffles now. anyways, I was an idiot tonight, because i asked if i was clingy to karin, and I expected iono... what I expected but, the answer at first was good, then it wasn't so good I guess. But It wasn't bad, but I over-reacted and got emo like i usually do. I hate myself for doing that. But karin made me feel better. And I don't hate myself so much anymore. She is the greatest person I know. Even if she wasn't my gf. But she is. Yay. I am happy with her. nyom.

I feel so bad, that I'm crying. My stomach keeps turning and cramping.

I wanted to talk to Karin at 1:11 but she was playing poker again. =( She doesn't pay attention when she plays so even if I wanted to stay on the phone, she's just like "huh?"
I kinda wanted to watch anime too, but poker.

I signed off without letting her respond. Woke up at 4 from the pain and was sad. Wanted to talk to her, but fuck it. This night sucks. I'm all hurt and alone. =(

I have a pretty bad stomache ache, and Karin called, but I didn't wanna distract her from whatever she was doing, I think poker and stuff. So I let her go.
It did make me feel better talking to her though.
I let her go, so she should could play.
I still made her feel bad though, I could tell, gomen. She texted me right now, as I was typing. She said weh... huggles babe! She makes me happy.
but all i do is make her worried.

I'm really gay though, I'm angry at myself at how I act.
I over-react, over analyze, become over-sensitive and end up regretting my actions. In the process, I bother/hurt the person I like. I am such an asshole. I don't how anyone can put up with it. I wish I wasn't like this. When I'm back to normal I'm like, how did that even happen? Then it happens again without my noticing til afterwards.

I hate myself.

I'm sorry for being such a burden on your mind.
Even when I try not to be one.


I want to get out of the way and instead be behind u to support u.